BOSTON – Analyzing vast quantities of data to understand why you’re at home alone watching Law & Order, scientists at MIT conducted a new scientific study Wednesday revealing everyone is hanging out without you. “Through years of dedicated research, hours spent in the lab and pushing the boundaries of theoretical physics, I am proud to say our team discovered Jeremy, Kaitlin, Richard, Candice and Ariana are getting pizza at Baccinos,” said applied mathematics professor Richard Belkin who has spent most of his storied career researching the origins of the universe. “It’s an exciting time to be a scientist. In the next 10, 20, 30 years I think we’ll see breakthroughs as to why your so-called friends are not inviting you places you sack of shit.” Belkin is currently trying to acquire grant funding to research why a lot of women put you in the friend zone.
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