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  • Bud Birch

Who the Fuck Does Shania Twain Think She is Claiming ‘That Don’t Impress Me Much’?

In the 1990s country pop legend Shania Twain released a song titled That Don’t Impress Me Much which infuriatingly details her indifference to empirically impressive things like rocket scientists and Brad Pitt.

Shania Twain, the massive 90s pop country idol, was a hell of a singer, a veritable spank-bank worthy hottie and made so much money Robin Leach will get jealous. Maybe that’s why she’s so goddamn hard to impress.

In one instance, Twain flippantly dismisses the intelligence of a rocket scientist by responding ‘That don’t impress me much’. Pretty ballsy for someone who doesn’t even use correct grammar. Rocket science is a primary branch of aerospace engineering that deals with subjects like avionics, materials science and structural analysis. Or, according to Twain, dumb shit. Twain is also unimpressed that rocket science employs knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing simpletons, like Neil Armstrong. Come off it Twain! Essentially all a rocket scientist does is piss all over the laws of the universe by overcoming the fundamental and omnipresent force of gravity to go into outer fucking space. It’s well documented Shania Twain has never even been to space and she still doesn’t give a shit if you’re a rocket scientist! If I were to meet a rocket scientist, I’d take my pants off and run around screaming and throwing cooked pasta in the air. All just because I was so overwhelmed by their intellectual ability. Not the Queen of Country Pop though. Swipe left. She yawns in the face of human achievement so astounding it was once thought the privilege of the gods. If she understood the intricacies of the theoretical physics required to keep an inanimate object in orbit, I’d bet she’d change her tune. At this point you gotta think Twain is compensating for her own insecurities.

In another episode of Twain’s outrageous sense of superiority, she scoffs at the idea of being impressed by Brad Pitt. Wow. Eileen Regina Edwards, that’s some gall for a person who was married to a guy named Mutt Lange. To put it as straightforward as possible, Brad Pitt is the rocket science of attractive men. The first and second rule of Braddy P is you don’t talk about how you’re unimpressed by him. Insane in the memTwain. This guy had Biblical knowledge of two of the hottest ladies on the planet and now Twain’s all “Yeah, so what? I don’t care.”?! I don’t think so. I don’t think so at all. In fact, peep this: if Brad Pitt saw me on the street, walked up to me and punched me in the face I would respond with, “Oh thank you your most gloriously handsome majesty for the unfathomable honor of being graced by thy smokin’ hot hand.” Then I would blow him. Icy blue eyes, a rugged jaw and chiseled abs – that’s what’s in the box. Even the scientific community has taken notice. Minor planet 29132 Bradpitt is named in his honor. I can hear Twain saying, “Talk to me when it’s major limp dick!” But the last time I fucking checked, she didn’t have a league, military rank or musical note named in her honor. Is Shania “Mark” Twain going to Brad’s house and knocking on the door just to ice him when she knows good and well she, and the rest of us, want it bad?

Twain has gone on record she is unimpressed by someone owning a car. She fucking nailed it on this one.

The world-famous singer has consistently stated one of the requirements to impress her is keeping her “warm in the middle of the night.” Poor blood circulation can cause low body temperature, numbness in limbs and lead to serious health issues. If she is having a circulatory system problem she should see a hematologist immediately. Oh hey, also – what kind of goddamn, unflinchingly bizarre standard of admiration is that?! If you want to impress Shania Twain, just bring a blanket. I’m pretty sure if you could win an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor or calculate the angle of reentry to earth’s atmosphere for the space shuttle you could turn up the fucking thermostat. One has to assume one of three ideas about her preposterous logic: 1) the 2005 Febreze collaborator was forced to sleep outside as a child during the frigid Canadian nights and is only impressed by staying warm. Not likely, given Canadians are known for their kindness and would balk at the idea of forcing a child to sleep in the snow. 2) the Temagami First Nation member is so rich and her house so big, she has been wandering around for years in vain trying to find a thermostat. Occam’s razor says this is the best answer. Someone of Twain’s profile and means would live in a small-city sized, sprawling complex where the temperature is permanently set to drafty. 3) she is schizophrenic.

For her own sake, I hope Shania Twain can find something she is impressed by or else end up entrapped in a wonder-starved, King Solomon-like prison built by her own success. Or at least get a space heater.

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